Unconditional

Unconditional love

Today I don't like my kids...my life ....but I love them and my life.....

Could it be hormones I ask myself as I realize that I am angry with my kids, angry with my life and everything around me. I felt sad, empty and lost...my youngest son was crying over every little thing, the older one was shouting and jumping everywhere and the nanny I paid to help me handle situation like this was making it worse....and I felt just tired, I felt I just don't like everything around me at that moment but deep down inside me I love everything around me!

That was me some months back and still a little bit of me this days, I use to get all upset with myself ,with my family, the kids , I was just so tired and I felt my life has been taking over ,I use to just stare out my window and ask myself, was this the deal? Was this what I hoped for?  but then out of the blues , after so many years  of pain, after reading so many online guides and buying and downloading so many books( some helped and some were just a disaster!)  I understood the meaning of like and love and I understood the difference between like and love..... It's okay not to like something at a particular moment in time but love it , to just be in the moment and accept what you are feeling , to let go and swim in that ocean of the unknown, the wilderness. I learn to appreciate and accept the concept of not liking something but loving it whole heartedly. This acceptance began my journey of enjoying moments with my children and my family.

I became aware of the concept and began the learning of how I can be in harmony with  both words at the same time; how to like and love at the same time, to unite these two unique words, to accept , to like and to love all at once. And to me, this I called unconditional love.

Moments that I find myself in the verge of shouting and raining all sorts of WHY, WHAT....THE...F***...HOW ....moments when my beautiful house looks and feel  like a witch cauldron ,with everything fused into one room-cloths, toys,food,dirth,papers,snacks-I mean all,  days where I can't remember if it was Monday or Thursday , moments that I can't even remember my own thoughts, I have learn to accept the beauty in it and what I am feeling , to fully immerse myself in the moment and not to struggle with it or to fight with my feelings....and thus I have learn to love and like.

 I love my family with all my heart and I will go to any length for them, I now know how to love the utter dysfunction of the house (“sometimes”) , the lovely quite moments, the happy loving moments , the screaming happy or sad faces .To be honest I still find myself lost amidst  all the craziness a times and sometimes I don't like it...but I realize that I need to just step away, take a breath ,just calm myself down before it all comes back and I accept the moment and breath it in and out. And then I remember how unconditionally I love everything about all the things I don't like....

I read something a while ago which I always refer too when I get that feeling of not liking....it was a beautiful write up about liking our children , our life and spouses and not just loving them and the writer goes like" how many of you really like your children, your family and your spouses , not love but like" ?  It's a question that has resonated well within me and made me to really think about my relationship with my family and myself....

We live in a world today that is so demanding , so many task to do, work, family responsibility , life style and so much more and sometimes this demands can take a toll on us and without knowing we stop liking , we just stop.....we love but we don't like because we are so tired, stressed, and so over whelmed ......but I have learn to take a step back, take a breath and remind myself that those moments with utter dysfunction and craziness are a blessing, blessings to cherish and moments that will never return , moments stolen away by time ... What more can we do but to try to embrace it all , try to not even think about it or attach any illusions to it but to accept it fully and delve into it with all our heart.

Don't get me wrong I can still easily get carried away and forget myself  most times, giving way to defining the moments as difficult or wishing this was not happening or hoping for something easier or a controllable chaos ! but then I am thankful that there is always that notch of love always tugging on my soul and reminding me it is the moment....there is no other moment like it...so enjoy it and fully engage with it. Every day it is becoming easier, I get a little bit closer to fully learning to like and love my kids, my husband and to like and love my family and utmost on the list is to like and love myself for that trickles down the road to the other likes and love....I have accept it as my journey to cherish.

I have made a bargain with myself that every moment of my life must be cherished and lived, every moment must be lived consciously and every moment must be accepted in this journey. That bargain is my ticket to learning the lessons life offers me every second and it is my guide to whom I am as I take this beautiful journey of discovery ...of amazing love and of different colors in every moment together with those marvelous souls that have chosen me as their mother, spouse, siblings, friends and many more.

I wrote the note below as a reminder:

I said to myself as I look upon those dear to me.....

For the very first time I met you...

I knew there will be moments of sadness and moments that I did not like you, Moments of anger, moments of pain and sorrow , Moments of love and moments that I will hold dear to my heart  and cherish on the journey we are taking together.

From the moment both of you were placed in my hands at different times in my life and I look into your tiny ,wide beautiful faces...I knew there will be moments of sorrow, moments that make me forget who I am, moments of love, Moments that I don't like you, Moments that felt like forever,  Moments of anger, of raising my voice louder than usual and moments of pain but I knew also there  will be moments irreplaceable , moments of great joy and satisfaction, moments that filled my heart with love and happiness and moments that will gladden my heart forever....I knew there will be moments of tears , tears of joy, sadness and utter happiness.

For the first time I saw you all I knew moments will come.....but I was not scared for I knew the moments will pass as the seasons pass and only the memory of great unconditional love felt all through the years will remain as we all fly into the world .......those moments are foot prints in my heart and in your hearts and I knew that those foot prints will be the Angels that guide us all through the beautiful journey of our life.

Also shared in http://womenforone.com/author/rahinatu-adamu/

Infertility; The pain and joy in life....

I can still see her round soul searching innocent look every time I remember her. My third neonatal lost, she was pretty and so very fragile, she was just 24 weeks old , born too soon and immature into the world.

She was the third child I have lost within 2 years. I can also vividly remember the first child I lost at the same 24 weeks old who never saw the world, he died in the loving protection of my womb and came out  to be buried in an unmarked grave that I never saw.....( what a sad tradition) he was tiny and fragile and what I regret most today was I never got the chance to hold him.The second was a child still forming and was lost in my monthly flow, he/she was just 10 weeks  old a body still forming to accommodate a soul

All these happened within 3 years into my marriage , it was a pressured  I put upon myself because that was what was expected of me, there was no pressure from my in laws , my family nor my husband but then there was just something missing and I felt like there was something wrong with me, it felt like I have been married a hundred years without a child... My god! How then does a woman married for five,10,15,20 years feels?I can't imagine !  Everything around me was just speaking one word, get pregnant ,there was a rush to get pregnant, nothing else matters.....I was not thinking about the child sex.......nothing , my brain and thoughts had one story line and it was why am I losing my pregnancies , why am I different ....and I need to keep trying ....

I can still feel the pain as if it were yesterday, I can see the scenario unfold before me with the nurses, doctors and my family and friends and I can still feel the raw pain and anger and still see the pity on people faces and the search in their eyes and sometimes the judgement too in those eyes but I live through it, I can't tell you how or what I did but I lived , I survived it with love and support from a group of lovely friends around me .

No one can tell you the pain of losing a pregnancy, expecting a pregnancy each month that never shows up or the pain of losing a child , no one can ever explain the anger you feel, the pain that tears at  you from within or the secret fight and torment you put yourself through as you search for answers that are not there.

You feel incomplete, you try to search for things you have done wrong to deserve such punishment from nature (God) if you fail to find answered to that you turn on to your closest families to see if they were the cause of your pain, if they were doing something wrong, you just keep looking and you end up seeing because your thoughts are your perception and in turn your reality.... In our world it is our so called "enemies “and these enemies are usually your husband's other wives or your in laws .... And then the so call  "mallams" and the pastors find their ways into your life , waiting for just that to happen so that they can pounce on you , it continues sometimes forever , making you forget that there might be some medical explanation or method that can solve the pain.....as it did mine and many other women. A lot of women have felled into the terrible hands of some of this so called "men of God” that sucks you dry of all your savings and make your life so miserable.....unfortunately in my little community they are the first point of call if you have any issues, be it pregnancy, career, good life....they blame the gods, witches and your enemies while the get all they can from you, or a ridiculous cultural believe that you are meant to lose some children and keep some.

Some of us are opportune to  know that there is always a medical option and support , there has been so many advances in the medical field , some quite jaw gaping and some very easy straight forward  procedures . And also social support option like adoption...I know , this is usually not an option in our community , but it is what you want and the choice is yours, it is our joy and hearts fulfillment that matters most and the love and care we will be able to provide a lost child. We just need to look and ask and search, For I believe that once there is life then there is hope and anything can happen. 
The world has grown to offer chances, choices and hope to many men and women, to give them that chance they have always wanted, to have a child of their own . Does the method matter? To me, NO, as far as I get to call that child mine..... It's all about satisfying that need, that strong need to have my own child.  

I now have two lovely and adorable boys, the quench and pain is gone but only a dull tug of pain when I remember my lost children, that never tested the world but I know they are somewhere lovely and exciting and who knows maybe they are the gentle souls that touch my heart with love and kindness once in a while when life gets too demanding. Now my time is spend loving ,teaching and caring for my boys. Mind you, I still yell, scream and need a break from them, that is what makes me human, but then there was a time I felt desperate to have that utter dysfunction and craziness around me now created by my children. I would have done anything including drinking a frog shake ( I saw that in my research on fertility and child birth from a Chinese traditional medical recipe) and other unbelievable  mixture to have a child. I am back to being the me and I adore and thank nature (God) every day for the blessings as they are a blessing to my life and to the world....

Below is the same story published by Women for one

http://womenforone.com/all-i-want-is-a-child-parenthood-and-infertility-by-rahinatu-adamu/

Learn more about living above infertility and connecting with other women visit http://www.cuddles-n-giggles.org/

Turning 39……

In February 2015 I turned 39. It was a birthday filled with mixed feelings; feelings of Thankfulness and feelings of sadness. Thankfulness for being Me....for trying to understand and loving me, gentle sadness with pure simple thoughts of it took me 39 years to start learning and appreciating me, life, love ......in my silent moment on that day I ask myself how did I allow myself to be in my 30s before I understood the meaning of living, why did I waste so much years struggling when life can be as simple as I make it? But then on second thoughts I say to myself I am glad it took that long for the learning was worth it... I know why I am here ...life... I am glad that I found out the simple things that makes life great, the simple beautiful logic behind life before my 40th birthday ...which to me is to love and to be grateful for this amazing experience we call life. This thought makes me happy for I realize that my life is just beginning...... And my learning is just opening up to more and more, I am like a vacuum getting filled up with knowledge every second.

Now I understand the concept of being quite, of being alone and knowing me, the concept of loving and giving without expecting anything, the meaning of selflessness. I think I know a bit on all this and my heart is open to learning more and more each day as the sun comes up

At different points of my 30s I have learnt so many vital lessons, some through very painful experiences and some while just being me the 'aha' moment comes. Life I have realize is the way you make it, it is all disco with bright lights if you want it and it is all so sad and difficult, swallowing you in misery if you let it.....taking things as the come and accepting it fully and living it fully has brighten up very dark moments for me, it has not been easy but then nothing ever was or everything ever is….it all depends on how you look at it.

....but who am I ........at 39 I am still exploring , still learning and still taking aback by the beauty called life.... now I can laugh over things, smile and define what I  want in a charming way, get angry, jealous , pained and more but I remember to breath and I remember to remind myself that it is just life and I can sit here and have tantrums or just be grateful , accept and learn more and grow more and just live in the moment, I have learnt in life tantrums don't get you anywhere , it is just a filled up , crowded bus stop with so many passengers waiting and so I have learn to pack my bags light and hop on the camel and hump up and down than wait at the bus stop......... It makes my journey faster and easier

Simple pleasures, quite moments and gentle kisses and hugs from my adorable boys sparks my day , I realize that living life fully at all moments and appreciating everything that comes my way brings much more happiness. I realize love is not something I wish for; it is something I am, something I do, something I give away and vibrate in ....it is me ....I am love in its purest form.

Understanding that everyone around me is "me" in a different form and humans are a race of One , reminding myself that we are all one ,with the same air to breath and one earth to house us all but diverse in our own little ways... Understanding the beauty in God and my oneness with God in a unique and gratifying way has made me strong and free. To me the appreciation that Life is all about learning and acceptance in our diversity as humans has made me see the beauty in everyone and in everything that I do and I am still learning all these in my 30s.

Sometimes in awe of life I ask myself did I learn to slow , did I miss so many learning opportunities and special moments because I was blind for so long , did things that would have made me different past me by? I wonder but then it downed on me that from my birth to me being 39 was a learning experience and things that past me by , things I did not realize till now and those moments that I assumed lost were all part of my learning....this is the time that I chose to open up to who I am and to see the world in all of its beauty . So no time was lost...no moments were lost.... Things are the way they are supposed to be and my alignment is in tune.

So , I am 39 still trying to love life and live life to the fullest I can with 2 adorable boys and a great man beside me that are all part of my learning and my gratitude to this life , And most of all to myself as I grow in understanding of who and what I am ,  what is my purpose in this beautiful and amazing thing ....experience ....concept....growth...we call LIFE.

Thoughts in my Head

Hmmmmm

Just this morning as I was driving to the office after dropping the kids off in school, as I only listen to the radio when am alone in the car.... I don't want the kids picking up any adult words ....I am sure all parents understand this!.......anyway back to the issue at hand...I heard on the radio that a place either in the UK or US (I missed that part of the story) was legalizing the term “intersex "to be put in place for a child that has both male and female characteristics, rather than making the parent chose between male or female gender. Well interesting isn't it? I must say that some years back we never thought anything about sexuality, it was just the male and female sex and nothing more but today there is just so much discussion on this, maybe it is globalization? Maybe demands of human rights and maybe just too much information going round! Whatever! To me "intersex" on a child's birth certificate just doesn’t seem complete ....so you ask me what is complete?. ....... (Still thinking don’t have an answer to that yet)

Sex and sexuality…... does your sex determine your sexuality? Maybe and maybe not…..But then really what is all this talk on sexuality? I remember some years ago, your sex determines your sexuality, that was all and nothing more needs to be said on that.....that was it! Well that was some years back.

I was at a party 2 days ago hosted by a Bangladesh friend of my husband and we got into the sexuality conversation with an American, I don't need to tell you for how long we had that discussion, well it was practically most of the discussion I had that night!

To me , Sexuality is a complex part of our personality and 'self ' ... .....it's all about expressing thy self as a sexual being and responding to someone or something attractive to us, no matter our sex...Human sexuality is broad and involves behaviors  and activities that has nothing to do with the sex of the person.  your sexuality is as unique as you are.

The Bottom line here is that my sexuality should be all about my sexual interest and preferences! It is about me feeling comfortable and relax in that preference. It defines who I am sexually, it is my identity, it is what makes me happy and satisfied. we all have different and unique ways of identifying ourselves sexually , it could be the simple "accepted norm" of spouses , it could be the complicated "unaccepted behavior " of gays, lesbians and bi or the absolutely unthinkable fixations and the crazy kinky stuff that defies "natural".........., but who am I to say what “natural” is and what “unacceptable” is.....

Over the years there has been different arguments on human sexuality; Sigmund Freud believes that sexuality is instinctive and you are born with it and John Locke  believes you learn from your environment, you are born blank but your environment molds you. I guess I am hanging in between the two, wondering if my environment drove my sexuality, made me who I am sexually today  or if I was born the way I am?

Over the years there has been series of arguments on what is acceptable sexually and what is "unthinkable, unaccepted" sexually, and the argument continues.........I leave that to the thinkers and arguementors  (is there a word like that?) of our Mother Earth....So back to the legalization and the discussion on the radio, I was amaze with all the ideas, comments and arguments of the callers and hmmm , someone actually said “Satan” is taking over!!! I had a good laugh, but then some of the comments where quite though provoking.

 Well either way, we have two arguments and millions of sexual expressions in the world today , each unique in its self, some quite "disturbing" and others “beautiful” in there fullness (depending on who is classifying!) . I don't try to judge or understand people’s sexuality, I just leave with it and try to learn from it and grow in my understanding of nature and in my own sexuality.