Unconditional

Unconditional love

Today I don't like my kids...my life ....but I love them and my life.....

Could it be hormones I ask myself as I realize that I am angry with my kids, angry with my life and everything around me. I felt sad, empty and lost...my youngest son was crying over every little thing, the older one was shouting and jumping everywhere and the nanny I paid to help me handle situation like this was making it worse....and I felt just tired, I felt I just don't like everything around me at that moment but deep down inside me I love everything around me!

That was me some months back and still a little bit of me this days, I use to get all upset with myself ,with my family, the kids , I was just so tired and I felt my life has been taking over ,I use to just stare out my window and ask myself, was this the deal? Was this what I hoped for?  but then out of the blues , after so many years  of pain, after reading so many online guides and buying and downloading so many books( some helped and some were just a disaster!)  I understood the meaning of like and love and I understood the difference between like and love..... It's okay not to like something at a particular moment in time but love it , to just be in the moment and accept what you are feeling , to let go and swim in that ocean of the unknown, the wilderness. I learn to appreciate and accept the concept of not liking something but loving it whole heartedly. This acceptance began my journey of enjoying moments with my children and my family.

I became aware of the concept and began the learning of how I can be in harmony with  both words at the same time; how to like and love at the same time, to unite these two unique words, to accept , to like and to love all at once. And to me, this I called unconditional love.

Moments that I find myself in the verge of shouting and raining all sorts of WHY, WHAT....THE...F***...HOW ....moments when my beautiful house looks and feel  like a witch cauldron ,with everything fused into one room-cloths, toys,food,dirth,papers,snacks-I mean all,  days where I can't remember if it was Monday or Thursday , moments that I can't even remember my own thoughts, I have learn to accept the beauty in it and what I am feeling , to fully immerse myself in the moment and not to struggle with it or to fight with my feelings....and thus I have learn to love and like.

 I love my family with all my heart and I will go to any length for them, I now know how to love the utter dysfunction of the house (“sometimes”) , the lovely quite moments, the happy loving moments , the screaming happy or sad faces .To be honest I still find myself lost amidst  all the craziness a times and sometimes I don't like it...but I realize that I need to just step away, take a breath ,just calm myself down before it all comes back and I accept the moment and breath it in and out. And then I remember how unconditionally I love everything about all the things I don't like....

I read something a while ago which I always refer too when I get that feeling of not liking....it was a beautiful write up about liking our children , our life and spouses and not just loving them and the writer goes like" how many of you really like your children, your family and your spouses , not love but like" ?  It's a question that has resonated well within me and made me to really think about my relationship with my family and myself....

We live in a world today that is so demanding , so many task to do, work, family responsibility , life style and so much more and sometimes this demands can take a toll on us and without knowing we stop liking , we just stop.....we love but we don't like because we are so tired, stressed, and so over whelmed ......but I have learn to take a step back, take a breath and remind myself that those moments with utter dysfunction and craziness are a blessing, blessings to cherish and moments that will never return , moments stolen away by time ... What more can we do but to try to embrace it all , try to not even think about it or attach any illusions to it but to accept it fully and delve into it with all our heart.

Don't get me wrong I can still easily get carried away and forget myself  most times, giving way to defining the moments as difficult or wishing this was not happening or hoping for something easier or a controllable chaos ! but then I am thankful that there is always that notch of love always tugging on my soul and reminding me it is the moment....there is no other moment like it...so enjoy it and fully engage with it. Every day it is becoming easier, I get a little bit closer to fully learning to like and love my kids, my husband and to like and love my family and utmost on the list is to like and love myself for that trickles down the road to the other likes and love....I have accept it as my journey to cherish.

I have made a bargain with myself that every moment of my life must be cherished and lived, every moment must be lived consciously and every moment must be accepted in this journey. That bargain is my ticket to learning the lessons life offers me every second and it is my guide to whom I am as I take this beautiful journey of discovery ...of amazing love and of different colors in every moment together with those marvelous souls that have chosen me as their mother, spouse, siblings, friends and many more.

I wrote the note below as a reminder:

I said to myself as I look upon those dear to me.....

For the very first time I met you...

I knew there will be moments of sadness and moments that I did not like you, Moments of anger, moments of pain and sorrow , Moments of love and moments that I will hold dear to my heart  and cherish on the journey we are taking together.

From the moment both of you were placed in my hands at different times in my life and I look into your tiny ,wide beautiful faces...I knew there will be moments of sorrow, moments that make me forget who I am, moments of love, Moments that I don't like you, Moments that felt like forever,  Moments of anger, of raising my voice louder than usual and moments of pain but I knew also there  will be moments irreplaceable , moments of great joy and satisfaction, moments that filled my heart with love and happiness and moments that will gladden my heart forever....I knew there will be moments of tears , tears of joy, sadness and utter happiness.

For the first time I saw you all I knew moments will come.....but I was not scared for I knew the moments will pass as the seasons pass and only the memory of great unconditional love felt all through the years will remain as we all fly into the world .......those moments are foot prints in my heart and in your hearts and I knew that those foot prints will be the Angels that guide us all through the beautiful journey of our life.

Also shared in http://womenforone.com/author/rahinatu-adamu/