I can still see her round soul searching innocent look every time I remember her. My third neonatal lost, she was pretty and so very fragile, she was just 24 weeks old , born too soon and immature into the world.
She was the third child I have lost
within 2 years. I can also vividly remember the first child I lost at the same 24
weeks old who never saw the world, he died in the loving protection of my womb
and came out to be buried in an unmarked
grave that I never saw.....( what a sad tradition) he was tiny and fragile and
what I regret most today was I never got the chance to hold him.The second was
a child still forming and was lost in my monthly flow, he/she was just 10
weeks old a body still forming to
accommodate a soul
All these happened within 3 years into
my marriage , it was a pressured I put
upon myself because that was what was expected of me, there was no pressure
from my in laws , my family nor my husband but then there was just something
missing and I felt like there was something wrong with me, it felt like I have
been married a hundred years without a child... My god! How then does a woman
married for five,10,15,20 years feels?I can't imagine ! Everything around me was just speaking one
word, get pregnant ,there was a rush
to get pregnant, nothing else matters.....I was not thinking about the child
sex.......nothing , my brain and thoughts had one story line and it was why am I
losing my pregnancies , why am I different ....and I need to keep trying ....
I can still feel the pain as if it were
yesterday, I can see the scenario unfold before me with the nurses, doctors and
my family and friends and I can still feel the raw pain and anger and still see
the pity on people faces and the search in their eyes and sometimes the
judgement too in those eyes but I live through it, I can't tell you how or what
I did but I lived , I survived it with love and support from a group of lovely
friends around me .
No one can tell you the pain of losing
a pregnancy, expecting a pregnancy each month that never shows up or the pain
of losing a child , no one can ever explain the anger you feel, the pain that
tears at you from within or the secret
fight and torment you put yourself through as you search for answers that are
not there.
You feel incomplete, you try to search
for things you have done wrong to deserve such punishment from nature (God) if
you fail to find answered to that you turn on to your closest families to see
if they were the cause of your pain, if they were doing something wrong, you
just keep looking and you end up seeing because your thoughts are your
perception and in turn your reality.... In our world it is our so called "enemies
“and these enemies are usually your husband's other wives or your in laws ....
And then the so call "mallams" and the
pastors find their ways into your life , waiting for just that to happen so
that they can pounce on you , it continues sometimes forever , making you
forget that there might be some medical explanation or method that can solve
the pain.....as it did mine and many other women. A lot of women have felled into
the terrible hands of some of this so called "men of God” that sucks you
dry of all your savings and make your life so miserable.....unfortunately in my
little community they are the first point of call if you have any issues, be it
pregnancy, career, good life....they blame the gods, witches and your enemies
while the get all they can from you, or a ridiculous cultural believe that you are meant to lose some children and keep some.
Some of us are opportune to know that there is always a medical option and
support , there has been so many advances in the medical field , some quite jaw
gaping and some very easy straight forward
procedures . And also social support option like
adoption...I know , this is usually not an option in our community , but it is what you want and the choice is yours, it is our joy and hearts fulfillment that matters most and the love and
care we will be able to provide a lost child. We just need to look and
ask and search, For I believe that once there is life then there is
hope and anything can happen.
The world has grown to offer chances, choices and hope to many men and women, to give them that chance they have always wanted, to have a child of their own . Does the method matter? To me, NO, as far as I get to call that child mine..... It's all about satisfying that need, that strong need to have my own child.
The world has grown to offer chances, choices and hope to many men and women, to give them that chance they have always wanted, to have a child of their own . Does the method matter? To me, NO, as far as I get to call that child mine..... It's all about satisfying that need, that strong need to have my own child.
I now have two lovely and adorable
boys, the quench and pain is gone but only a dull tug of pain when I remember my
lost children, that never tested the world but I know they are somewhere lovely
and exciting and who knows maybe they are the gentle souls that touch my heart
with love and kindness once in a while when life gets too demanding. Now my
time is spend loving ,teaching and caring for my boys. Mind you, I still yell,
scream and need a break from them, that is what makes me human, but then
there was a time I felt desperate to have that utter dysfunction and craziness
around me now created by my children. I would have done anything including
drinking a frog shake ( I saw that in my research on fertility and child birth
from a Chinese traditional medical recipe) and other unbelievable mixture to have a child. I am
back to being the me and I adore and thank nature (God) every day for
the blessings as they are a blessing to my life and to the world....
Below is the same story published by Women for one
http://womenforone.com/all-i-want-is-a-child-parenthood-and-infertility-by-rahinatu-adamu/
Learn more about living above infertility and connecting with other women visit http://www.cuddles-n-giggles.org/
